laughlikeyoumeanit

i’m sad that i’m leaving this semester. setting in that this will be the last time i get to see some people. hard to say goodbyes without getting too emotional. i thought to write cards to people, but i’ve found it really difficult in what to write down, what to say. instead, i’ve been just floating by, maybe somewhat trying to laugh reality off and hope reality would ignore me and let me stay in my bubble.

a couple more days, a couple more assignments, and it’ll be over.

in the beginning of this semester i thought i would try to just go through the semester and then at the end, pop out and say “oh yea by the way, i’ll be done this semester.” that didn’t really work out. i thought i’ll be able to just go through this semester like any other, but that’s a pretty ridiculous idea, don’t you think? a side of lying to yourself?

before I prayed to God, could you give me a clear sign on whether I should stay or leave early. when i realized it, i cried because i didn’t want to leave when no one else was.

now i feel more adjusted, used to it. but the reality will probably sink in when mid January rolls in and i don’t have classes and i’m not in cville.

Brooke Fraser – Faithful

There’s distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
I wave my arms’ round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you’re always here
But the comfort of you near is what i long for

When I can’t feel You, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can’t hear You, I know You still hear every word I pray
And I want You more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for You, maybe I’m made more faithful

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
I still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So I whisper soft Your name, let it roll around my tongue
Knowing You’re the only one who knows me
You know me

Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as lost to me
You are all I want
You are all I want

I don’t like flowers. Not because they are pretty, for who actually says “I hate pretty things.” I’m normal and I like pretty things. But flowers never really last as long as I wanted them to. Flowers bloom and fade. Cut flowers in vases fade faster. I think that’s why I like green plants more because they remain the same, more or less. Colors don’t fade, nor do parts drop away after a week. That doesn’t mean I like fake flowers made from silk or plastic. Quite obviously cause they aren’t the real thing. They’re imitations and can’t compare.

I’ve been thinking these things most likely because I feel like there is so many changes around me and that change is so quick. The stability desired fades softly into the reality of temporal nature of life. I remember reading Ecclesiastes all in one sitting and then hearing “a chasing after the winds” repeating in my mind. I want things to remain stable, the same. But ha! even walking to classes, nature reminds me of the temporary as it continues to change with crimson leaves turning brown and trees slowly showing their skeletons.

Sometimes, I just stop to stare at the trees ongrounds, to the dismay of the oncoming traffic of always busy students. In front of the Chapel, there’s a huge Ginkgo tree with thousands of its little fan-shaped leaves, shining a golden yellow. When I saw it, I wanted to try to seize it in my mind or something to hold it down. But all I did was stare and thank God that He allowed me to see the beauty of creation that day.I wonder if I could just imprint this into my mind or maybe a photograph can capture this moment. How amazed and grateful I feel. I can fix this in permanence. But perhaps more like grasping at air hoping to grab something solid.

In most children but in relatively few adults, at least in our time, we may see this willingness to be delighted to the point of self-abandonment. This free and full gift of oneself to a story is what produces the state of enchantment. But why do we lose the desire–or if not the desire, the ability–to give ourselves in this way? Adolescence introduces the fear of being deceived, the fear of being caught believing what others have ceased believing in. To be naive, to be gullible–these are the humilitations of adolescence. Lewis seems never to have been fully possessed by this fear. . . .

One could say, then, that Lewis remained in this particular sense childlike–that is, able always to receive pleasure from the kinds of stories that tend to give pleasure to children. . . . Surely Lewis himself would have said that when we can no longer be “wide open to the glory”–risking whatever immaturity thereby–we have not lost just our childlikeness but something near the core of our humanity. Those who will never be fooled can never be delighted, because without self-forgetfulness there can be no delight, and this is a great and grievous loss.

Alan Jacobs, The Narnian: The Life and Imagination of C.S. Lewis xxii-xxiii

I’ve been way too conscious of this temporariness and it has made really good experiences tinged with a bittersweetness that takes away from the situation itself. Most likely exacerbated by the fact that I’m almost done with college too. So, as a foolish precaution against this feeling, sometimes I just refused to participate cause it wouldn’t last, and I didn’t want to put in any effort towards matters that don’t last.

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.” Ecc 3:11,14

Nothing lasts in this life, but we desire it so. And being a perfect me, I try to control and become my own god, ordaining what can stay and what cannot – when really I don’t have that power at all. Only God remains the same, and forever. God shows his magnificence, his blessings, his awesomeness, sometimes in the temporary. He doesn’t want me to hold on or try to.  I’m trying to do that with the days of my college left. Enjoy the moment, and thank God. Be able to loose myself in delight in God.

today, i punched my eye on accident. don’t ask how this happened

today, i got really excited for my lunch appointment. i got all ready and went to ohill about twenty minutes earlier. was waiting, felt my eyes got tired. so i thought to take a short nap. i woke up 20 minutes after the schedule time, and we ended not meeting. the end. and don’t take naps.

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in other news, weezer came out with a new album. named raditude. supposedly the actor who plays dwight on the office suggested the name to rivers. i haven’t listened to the entire album yet but so far they don’t sound like old maladroit or pinkerton weezer. a notch up from the red album into pop area more. it’s still fun

UVA VAMUN 2009 starts tomorrow. mun is model united nations, where people roleplay and simulate how international politics works out. vamun is when high school kids come and participate. college kids help host it. i’m excited but this weekend is packed with things to do.

I’m studying for history and going through some of the readings I didn’t do. One of them is Linnaeus’s Systema Naturae. It is 7 pages of scientific notes in LATIN. I don’t understand how I’m suppose to be able to understand this… It’s in Latin….

On an unrelated note, this is the same professor that thought the South Lawn project was the rebuilding of the New Comm School.

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Update: He wrote an email to the class with the subject title: “you are going to die.” I dunno what to think about this class anymore.

long post. to help me be encouraged by seeing God’s faithfulness. this post helps me more than it helps the small numbers that actually reads my rambles. the black text is what i wrote down back in my 2nd year. the green text is where i update on how this goal went. in terms of the time passed, it is about 1 year and 9 months.

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the beginning
january 30, 2008

so far, for this semester, i would like to

-solidify relationship i have with the people close to me. so this was my 2nd year. though i’m not too sure exactly which relationships i was referring to and what “solidify” and “close” exactly mean here. i can comment that between then and now, i’ve been blessed through the relationships with sisters that if you told me back then in january it would have turned out this way, i would have thought you were mocking me by being sarcastic. some relationships i was formed 3rd year that i never really expected or thought so, but these are so so blessings, the 2nd years now, 3rd years now and grads. that’s not to say that the relationships i had before turned into an open war or anything. they turned out better than i could ever have hoped, yea 4th years! i remember 1st year around halloween time, i had felt so alone and without girl friends, so i earnestly prayed that God would help me with even just one friend. and even that seemed impossible. i kept praying that throughout the rest of 1st year and 2nd year. and now as a 4th year, haha, it’s truly amazing how God works and how He really hears prayers. i don’t have any female siblings but i feel like God has provided with so many older sisters, same age sisters and younger sisters. yeah for the body of Christ! ^___^

-gain an appreciation for serving God when i feel like i’m being used by people, be humble. yes, this would be considered a lofty goal, just because it goes against my very basic selfishness. i try to make myself the god when i try to get certain responses or thanks or attention. since jan of 2008 to now, i’ve gotten so humbled to how deep sin runs in me. and then when i tried to reason away my sins or why this should be done this way, His Word convicts me to realize what foolishness i’ve been pursuing. i am definitely still working on this and by God’s grace He’ll continue to change me

-apologize to the people i’ve wronged. i think i did do all of these, whether i actually talked to them about it or i prayed that God would change the negative feelings i had towards people. i do remember apologizing to someone, and then the. person saying that they didn’t notice that anything was wrong at all. many of the apologies lead to closer relationships with sisters that i can recall because i was honest for a change. Praise God!

-gain a better understanding of where i fit into God’s plan, how predestination and free will will work out, and why this semester i tend to be much more negative towards events and people. part one. God has a plan for me regardless of my doubts or struggles to find out what it is. But God wants me to be completely satisfied in Him and to praise Him – i think that’s part of His purpose for each of us. And to trust and wait on Him.  part two. i think i was being negative towards people because i felt like point number two: being used. i was holding onto that feeling of “i deserve this kind of treatment” or “thanks” that i was probably being negative towards people. that and doing many ministry things without having a proper relationship desiring after God. i got fixated on doing things than praising and worshiping God first and foremost. i think i got better at paring things down, but i find myself trying to earn grace time and time again. need to keep Christ-centered. and i felt inadequate helping out with 1st year ministries because i felt undeserving of God’s grace

-see if i know any more about what i want to do in my life after graduation. i wondered if it’s better to know what you want to do and possibly not being able to do it   –than not knowing what you want to do? i think i know what i want to do, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it will come to fruition or if it’s the think i should do or whatnot.

-any romantic interests?…..i actually don’t think so, since i don’t see any possibilities at this point puhaha. this has not changed. this isn’t even a goal actually… i feel like this has actually fallen down in the priorities list, if it was even on there in the first place.

-what major? why do i think i won’t get a job graduating from uva? yes, a tangible goal i have finished. i declared history and then foreign affairs in the first weeks of my 3rd year. (you can declare after 2nd year ends, a loophole). though the latter part, i still have unreasonable fears about.

-come to terms that i want to do so much more (more clubs, more classes, more “success”) but that God’s promises should be sufficient enough for me instead. this is actually a pretty tough goal for me since i’ve lived most of my life basing my identity in what i do or how much utility/service i put in. have identified the wrongness in thinking that way, still desperately trying to keep God’s promises in my heart.

-accept God’s grace at all times and continue to grow closer to Him by knowing more of Him and obeying Him. likewise, a goal for my life actually. still a goal. is it possible to see the changes of this in myself?

-be less awkward, my confidence from 1st semester has disappated and i feel like a 1st year again i don’t know. i do know that people still identify me as a first year. but as one sister put it, “it’s only awkward if you acknowledge that it is awkward.”

-don’t interrupt people when they speak, be more of a listener. i have no gauge of this. i feel like i talk more now. still a goal now, changed to “see the importance of listening, and then do it”

-don’t try to pretend to be friendly and make odd jokes when not appropriate. i’m more conscious of when i do this, but i can’t gauge the progress on this at all. i think i probably got more awkward as the number of people who sometimes just laugh when i say hi to them has increased… still goal now, but refined to “be more genuine and open”

-landscape architecture? is it just me trying to make my own path through life instead of relying on God? i know more about how much i like it, but i still haven’t really figured this answer out yet. by next spring i should know.

-be able to play a worship song on the guitar so that i won’t feel lonely when i’m at home guitar consumes time and patience that i still don’t have. instead i just sang praise songs more. goal changed to “play guitar and be able to sing at same time”

-find a home church or rediscover one. i ended up going back to my home church last year and found myself not belonging at all, after not attending for most of college. and seeing as most are in high school. but last last year i found a new church, called crossroads community church, which i really enjoyed because in the place, i clearly felt God’s presence and His love. though i didn’t know anyone and everyone in their 20s seemed to be married or in the military, it was still the most refreshing time of seeing God. i avoided the greeters there all the time which is the opposite of what i do at gcf. (subliminal message – but greeters are an important ministry – join gcf greeters today!)

…wow, that turned out to be a lot of hopes…we’ll see. Thank you God for answering my prayers and not giving up on me. Please continue to help me to not give up on you.

I tried to write down a coherent explanation for what I was going through or the blessing that God has given to me, but I found it very hard without it being confusing. I guess if you’re really curious, I can try to tell you in person. So, instead I just placed some verses that I’ve been reading and referring back to these weeks.

short summary: read God’s Word because it truly brings encouragement, insight and truth into your life

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“There he went into a cave and spent the night. And the word of the LORD came to him: “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

He replied, “I have been very zealous for the LORD God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, broken down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.”

The LORD said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by.”

Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.

Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

He replied, “I have been very zealous for the LORD God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, broken down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.”

The LORD said to him, “Go back the way you came, and go to the Desert of Damascus. When you get there, anoint Hazael king over Aram. Also, anoint Jehu son of Nimshi king over Israel, and anoint Elisha son of Shaphat from Abel Meholah to succeed you as prophet. Jehu will put to death any who escape the sword of Hazael, and Elisha will put to death any who escape the sword of Jehu. Yet I reserve seven thousand in Israel—all whose knees have not bowed down to Baal and all whose mouths have not kissed him.” “

1 Kings 19:9-18

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“Surely God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart.

But as for me, my feet had almost slipped; I had nearly lost my foothold. For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

They have no struggles; their bodies are healthy and strong. They are free from the burdens common to man; they are not plagued by human ills.Therefore pride is their necklace; they clothe themselves with violence.From their callous hearts comes iniquity; the evil conceits of their minds know no limits.They scoff, and speak with malice; in their arrogance they threaten oppression.Their mouths lay claim to heaven, and their tongues take possession of the earth.Therefore their people turn to them and drink up waters in abundance. They say, “How can God know? Does the Most High have knowledge?”

This is what the wicked are like— always carefree, they increase in wealth.

Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence. All day long I have been plagued; I have been punished every morning.

If I had said, “I will speak thus,” I would have betrayed your children.When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to metill I entered the sanctuary of God; then I understood their final destiny.

Surely you place them on slippery ground; you cast them down to ruin. How suddenly are they destroyed, completely swept away by terrors! As a dream when one awakes, so when you arise, O Lord, you will despise them as fantasies.

When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.

Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you. But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.“

Psalm 72

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“Listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my plea; hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught at the voice of the enemy, at the stares of the wicked; for they bring down suffering upon me and revile me in their anger.

My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death assail me. Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me. I said, “Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest-I would flee far away and stay in the desert; I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm.”

Confuse the wicked, O Lord, confound their speech, for I see violence and strife in the city. Day and night they prowl about on its walls; malice and abuse are within it. Destructive forces are at work in the city; threats and lies never leave its streets.

If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him. But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship as we walked with the throng at the house of God.

Let death take my enemies by surprise; let them go down alive to the grave, for evil finds lodging among them.

But I call to God, and the LORD saves me. Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice. He ransoms me unharmed from the battle waged against me, even though many oppose me. God, who is enthroned forever, will hear them and afflict them— men who never change their ways and have no fear of God.

My companion attacks his friends; he violates his covenant. His speech is smooth as butter, yet war is in his heart; his words are more soothing than oil, yet they are drawn swords.

Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. But you, O God, will bring down the wicked into the pit of corruption; bloodthirsty and deceitful men will not live out half their days. But as for me, I trust in you.”

Psalm 55

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“‘The glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house,” says the Lord Almighty. ‘And in this place I will grant peace, declares the Lord Almighty.” “

Haggai 2:9

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“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

Hebrews 12:1-2

happy 23 birthday christina! i hope and pray for another year of blessings for you. ^______^

first impressions definitely don’t amount to anything, or at least in my experience. the first time i remember meeting christina was my 1st year 1st semester when she asked me out to lunch or dinner at ohill, which seemed odd to me. and she told me she was a 3rd year, which added to my confusion on why an upperclassman would want to eat with me. we did eat together, but i remember an odd layer of awkwardness cause i was still mystified by her bold approach. we were strangers, i would say, at this point. but looking back, i appreciate her generosity with eating with me very much, though i wasn’t too open to the idea at the time. she was my mother in the groups that gcf made up for that semester.

then, next school year, we served together for first year smallgroups. christina was the leader and i was one of the assistants. technically, one of the main goals is to serve first years, help them to see God, love God, pursue after God. but besides that, as christina took care of the 1st years girls, she took care of me too. i went through a lot of doubts about serving and whether i truly believed in God. was i good enough, did the things i do even matter? a lot of struggles with that kind. we navigated through many things that year by the grace of God. and the life she lived that year really made an impact on me and it made me want to have that kind of deep relationship in God that i saw christina living. for prayers to God and to serve Him earnestly and without thoughts of limitations.

among other good things, christina has a knack for encouraging people which i severely lacked and still lack today. i didn’t really see the point in it back in the beginning years of my college life. but when she encouraged me i saw its impact on me. this isn’t the kind of false encouragement that doesn’t mean much like, “it’ll be ok” when i’m facing a crisis, but an encouragement that points to God, and helps me to see the gifts and promises that God has given me, in the midst of it all. God is good. God is in control. God sees and pains at each tear we cry. God cares passionately for each of us.

thank you God for Christina! thank you Christina!

christina and me

I was frantically pedaling up that tiny hill of a road in front of the South Lawn Project because my dear frenemie gravity. There’s a bike lane around the side of the road there, of which I was on. So, there’s the road, then the bike lane, then the sidewalks. All of a sudden one of the pedestrians practically ran into the street, and me riding on my bike. He definitely did not look both ways before crossing. It felt like a foul tackle from the sidelines towards an unprotected, innocent referree. That split section before I felt like something terrible would happen, all I could do was yell a increasing louder “aaaAAAHHHHHH.” He hit me, and then kept running across the street. My bike, in a tumble, veered left and right, narrowing missing the stopped cars on my left and the sidewalk curb on the right. The great thing is the cars whre stopped because the traffic light was red. I read that most bikers get seriously injured or killed, as a result of getting hit by oncoming cars on the road after trying to dodge things in the pedestrian lane. Almost like me.

I walked into class in a daze thinking how I could have gotten seriously injured or died. Then during the pop quiz, I kept thinking of all the almost accidents and actual accidents I’ve had on my bike. Like when a sudden door opening from a parked car on JPA nearly clotheslined me. And then that time I crashed and got a sore body and some bruises near my eye. etc etc And thinking, next time, I want to try yelling some more coherent like “GET OUT OF THE WAY” or use the bell I got from chipmunk.

Honestly though, God is so good to me. And I’m in a good mood grateful to God for my good health.